How To Mend Sibling Relationships Now That Your Caregiving Duties Are Over

Did caregiving ruin your relationship with your siblings? Do you feel resentment towards them but feel desperate to fix what is broken?  Here are some practical tips to mend sibling relationships now that your caregiving duties are over. 

Caring for an elderly parent comes with challenges, lots of sacrifice, and hard decisions. But if there are siblings in the mix, all of this can become even harder.

Many caregivers I’ve personally spoken with have shared stories of conflict between themselves and their brothers and sisters.  It seems to fall into two distinct camps:  most firstborn feel they should be most responsible for decision making while others think the person who is bearing the brunt of caregiving should be in charge.

Interestingly enough, the research on birth order and personality types and family dynamics support these long-held beliefs:  Firstborns are said to be highly responsible and commanding leaders, while the youngest is supposedly milder and more polite. As those types grow into caregiving adults, the firstborns often feel it’s their job to make decisions for an aging parent. They may also expect their younger brothers and sisters to fall in line behind them.  But what if the youngest is doing the caregiving?

HOW TO MEND SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS NOW THAT YOUR CAREGIVING DUTIES ARE OVER

In 2010 Omaha based Home instead Senior Care conducted a study entitled Improving The Lives of Caregivers and found that many an aging parent has a favorite child whom she wants to be her primary caregiver, often years before she needs caregiving.  In two out of three cases, the favorite is the youngest child, not the bossy eldest.  And a joint study by Cornell and Purdue universities in 2013 found that a parent is more likely to become depressed when his or her preference for the primary caregiver is not honored.

You can see why these two opposing forces are a recipe for sibling conflict: Older family members assert their prerogative to be a parent’s guide and comfort, while the youngest sibling claims she’s only trying to do what’s right for Mom. Everyone feels slighted, and no one’s cooperating.

Many siblings disagree on how a parent should be cared for; or, they lack the interest and concern to be part of the caregiving process, leaving one sibling to do all the work. This can cause a breakdown between family members resulting in huge rifts that ruin sibling relationships that can last for years.

It can be hard to put hurt feelings, frustration, and anger behind you when you’re caregiving duties are over, but it’s essential to find a way to forgive and move on with your siblings. You’re family, after all. Your parents would want you to love and forgive each other; to find a way to be siblings again.

Mending sibling relationships won’t be easy, but with some patience and persistence, it can be done. Here are a few tips to help you if caregiving ruined your relationships with your siblings and you’re ready to find the road back:

1. Take baby steps  

Mending your broken relationship won’t happen overnight. Taking baby steps in the right direction will help you start the healing process. Start with a simple phone call just to say “hi,” or send a text message to say “thinking about you,” or “I hope you’re having a good day.” Start replacing your negative interactions with positive ones; it will start moving the relationship in the right direction.

2. Let it go

While it can be tempting to harp on old feelings and re-hash arguments, it won’t heal the relationship. Things were done and said, on both sides, that can’t be taken back or done differently. The best way to start moving forward is to forgive the past and let it go. You each had your reasons for the decisions you made. Respect that you had a difference of opinion and move on. Continuing the same argument won’t heal anything.

3. Try to pinpoint when the problem began

Sometimes an argument isn’t actually about what you’re arguing about; it’s about something completely different. An old hurt or something that happened a long time ago. Think back to where the problem in your relationship originated from, chances are it was long before caregiving began. Getting to the real root of the problem can help you resolve your conflict.

4. Communicate, communicate, communicate  

It doesn’t matter what you talk about, just open the door to conversation. Talk about the weather or sports, make small talk until you become more comfortable with conversation. Showing that you’re willing to communicate will open the door to further discussion. Communication is probably the most important aspect of mending sibling relationships now that your caregiving duties are over because you no longer have the stress of caregiving and can speak about other topics that are not so volatile.

5. Don’t push their buttons

When trying to heal your relationship, don’t make things tenser by bringing up touchy subjects. Avoid talk of politics, religion, and anything else that you already know you disagree. Agree to disagree and know that you can talk about those things with other people. Keep your sibling relationship focused on positive things that you can both discuss without argument.

6. Apologize

Most likely, you were both responsible in some way, small or large, for the demise of your relationship. Be the bigger person and apologize for your part of the feud. Chances are, it will encourage them to do the same. But even if it doesn’t, it lets them know you’re ready to make amends.

7. Walk a mile in their shoes  

Walk a mile in your sibling’s shoes, so to speak. Try to see things from their perspective. Could there have been a reason for the decisions they made or the way they acted that made sense to them? Could they have felt hurt or pushed aside by your actions? Seeing things from another point of view can help you understand and forgive.

8. Offer your support

Show your willingness to move on by showing support for your sibling with something they love to do. Cheer them on at the company baseball game or celebrate their job promotion. Little things can go a long way in rebuilding your relationship long term.

9. Seek professional help

You may find, that even after trying to make amends, you’re still struggling with each other. If that’s the case, it may be time to seek the professional help of a family counselor. This is someone who can be a neutral third party and help you each see what’s going on, what you’re fighting about, and help you find your way to forgiveness. Of course, you both have to be willing to try and work things out for counseling to work, but it can be just what you need to heal your relationship and make it stronger than ever.

10. Be patient

Healing will take time, possibly years, but if you’re willing to work at it you can build a loving relationship with your sibling. Stay the course with positive conversation, keeping things civil, and showing your support. Remember, you might not be ready to heal and forgive at the same time. It may take some patience to wait for your sibling to be prepared to move forward. Don’t give up.

11. When all else fails – move on

Sometimes sibling relationships ruined during caregiving just can’t be mended no matter what you do or hard you try.  Therefore, it’s sometimes best to move on and come to grips you will never have the relationship with them you had hoped.

It takes two to be willing to repair what’s broken, and if the other person isn’t interested or refuses to work on it with you – what are your options other than to move on?

Unfortunately, just because you are family doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll find common ground and come to an understanding.  This was the case between my sister and me.  After years of trying to find a way for us to stay connected, I finally realized she didn’t want a relationship with me, and I walked away.

Was it hard?  Yes, but no harder than it was to try to salvage something that, in hindsight, had no chance of being rescued.

If caregiving ruined your relationships with your siblings, then mending those relationships can be an overwhelming challenge.  It can be frustrating, but it’s also worth the effort. They are family and family relationships are some of the most important of your life. Your parents would want you to forgive each other and love each other again. That alone makes it worth the effort.

But sometimes despite your best efforts, reconciliation just isn’t possible.  If that’s the case for you, have comfort in knowing you did everything you could to bring the relationship back together.

How would your life change if you were able to implement these suggestions for mending your relationship with your siblings so you could move on and fix what’s broken?

To recap, here are the 11 tips to help mend sibling relationships now that your caregiving duties are over: 

1. Take baby steps
2. Let it go
3. Try to pinpoint when the problem began
4. Communicate, communicate, communicate
5. Don’t push their buttons
6. Apologize
7. Walk a mile in their shoes
8. Offer support
9. Seek professional help
10. Be patient
11. When all else fails, move on

Other relationship articles:

• The Best Books To Read After Caregiving Is Over
• How To Reconnect With Friends Now That Your Caregiving Journey Is Over