Looking for ways to prioritize self-care now that caregiving is over? Here are 5 simple strategies to put yourself first.
It’s a beautiful gift we give when we care for someone. But it is emotionally and physically exhausting – and let’s be honest, it leaves us with little desire or motivation to care for ourselves. The great irony is the art of looking after oneself is stolen away by the act of caring for another.
As caregivers, we paid the price. And now that caregiving has ended, we need to find a way to start putting ourselves first.
But here’s the thing – self-care, although it sounds like a great idea, it’s typically much harder to pull off. After all, when it comes to taking care of ourselves, whether it be combatting stress or staying healthy or losing weight or caring for our relationships, it’s not always easy to admit when there’s a problem. It was easy as pie to ignore the problem when we were actively caregiving, but now – it’s a bit tougher to ignore.
We need to learn how to adjust our self-care routine now that caregiving is over.
ADOPTING A SELF CARE ROUTINE AFTER CAREGIVING IS OVER
For so many of us, the idea of prioritizing our own needs can seem completely at odds with our instincts. We think it’s “selfish” or “self-indulgent” to put ourselves at the top of our priority list. Caregiving has reinforced these notions because at the time we felt we had no other choice but to put the needs of our loved ones first. And, because we can’t go back in time and change what’s happened it’s important to realize that by ignoring our needs, we allowed ourselves to be depleted to the point of exhaustion.
During the seven years I was a caregiver to my mother I didn’t make myself a priority. Even though I could see it at the time, I couldn’t find my way to make it happen. The lack of self-care coupled with caregiving often made me tired and irritable, but other people in my life noticed that something was wrong before I did. They’d say things like, “You don’t seem like yourself; are you taking care of yourself?” But I felt like a failure to admit I wasn’t — and in all honesty, it was written all over my physical appearance from the 60-pound weight gain to the lack of makeup, to the messy bun and ponytail, and the constant outfit of leggings and t-shirts. My lack of self-care was so ingrained in me that it took several years for me to find my way back to fully prioritizing myself.
Today I know that self-care should be everyone’s number one priority. Regardless of who you are or what’s going on in your life — from a self-employed business owner trying to bring in new customers to stressful responsibilities at home — if you put everything else first, you are sub-optimizing yourself and everything you do.
So let me ask you? How long have you been burned out? Do you feel irritable, stressed out, underappreciated, resentful, or completely overwhelmed, and the thought of doing just one more thing for anyone else?
If you can answer yes to any or sadly all of the above, then keep reading. I know as well as anyone else: It’s not always easy. But learning the skills to change your life will give you the energy you need to show up for whatever matters most to you. Here are 5 tips to help you learn to prioritize yourself and finally put yourself first.
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Start with compassion
Self-care starts with being kind to yourself. As a post caregiver, it can be easy to be judgmental of our own actions. Instead, give yourself credit for all that you did. Your job was hard. And no one else could have cared for your loved one as well as you did. Tell that critical voice in your head to take a hike every time it tries to speak up.
Being kind to yourself and taking time out for self-care when you need it will help you feel more focused and balanced, ultimately allowing you to be kinder and more compassionate to yourself and to those around you.
But being self-compassionate doesn’t always come naturally for most. I recently read an article that provided a simple framework on how to put self-compassion into practice:
a. Imagine someone you love deeply (maybe your grandchild, pet or sibling). Think about that person not taking care of themselves.
b. What would you expect from that person if they were not putting themselves first?
c. What would you encourage that person to do and what would you do for them if you could?
d. You’ll start thinking about all the “yeah, buts”. Ignore them and think of what you’d say to a friend who presented those “buts” to you.
e. Take action on what you came up with.
Eventually, with practice you won’t have to think about someone else – you’ll automatically think of yourself and will take action when needed.
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Ask yourself what you really need
Getting clear about what you need is going to make you feel recharged and rejuvenated. When you are stuck on the treadmill of daily life, it can be a challenge to even allow yourself to think about what sort of self-care activities are going to actually help refill your tank and not add to your stress.
What’s super fun and relaxing and restorative for one person can feel like pure torture for the next person.
Take for example one of my favorite ways to recharge: As an introvert, I LOVE to be alone. I crave the quiet time. I’ll often hop in the car head to the beach or lake and sit by myself for hours. I won’t talk to anyone or even look in the same direction as someone for fear they might actually want to speak with me. This fills me up in a way that nothing else can.
If you’re an introvert like me, you might be nodding your head as you read this, thinking YES – that’s exactly what I need too! I just want to be completely BY MYSELF for just a little while – to revel in the quiet.
But you extroverts are probably thinking THAT SOUNDS LIKE TORTURE. Why on earth would you want to be completely ALONE for hours? How can you stand not talking to anyone?
And dismiss the notion that self-care has to look a certain way. Learn to tune into what you mind, body and soul needs in the moment and follow the cues. One of the best ways I have found to do this is to sit quietly, take a few deep breaths, and then listen for what you hear, or feel in your heart. Our intuition is a perfect compass to point us towards what we need most. It’s our job to listen first and then take action.
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Take small, incremental actions
The biggest excuse for lack of self-care I hear is, “I don’t have enough time.” But you do. Try the snowball method: Start with one tiny action and build from there. James Clear in his best selling book Atomic Habits speaks about taking small incremental actions — based on the fact that small, incremental, actions have both immediate and long-lasting benefits to the way we live our lives. Deep breathing for even 30 or 60 seconds, for instance, can help you find a calmer, more centered place. And all it takes is a few minutes to reap the benefits of time spent in nature — which research shows can have a positive effect on both mental and physical well-being. Why not start with a three-minute walk, then work up to five, or 15 — whatever your schedule allows.
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Make it a regular habit
Self-care has become the new buzzword. People brag about needing a Wine Wednesday or taking a self-care vacation or self-care Sunday’s like self-care can only be relegated to a specific point in time. These ideas aren’t necessarily bad, but here’s the thing: Self-care shouldn’t be an escape from a long week or exhausting month — it’s not where we go when we are completely burned out or exhausted. The truth is, when practiced regularly, self-care prevents you from having to escape life. It’s those little decisions and actions we make on a regular daily basis — like what time we go to bed and what good habits we incorporate into our life — that allow us to feel well, be present, and show up for the things that matter in our lives rested and renewed.
Schedule these new habits into your day. You are the only person responsible for actually making time for self- care. It is no one else’s responsibility to take care of you. This means if you know you need time to yourself – get in on the schedule. Block out that day you’ll head to the beach. Schedule a day at the spa. Plan to spend the whole day in bed binge-watching your favorite show on Netflix. But be intentional about putting something on the schedule, and making time just for you a priority.
The same goes for those of you who need time with people. Plan that girlcation, call a friend for lunch, or host a dinner party with friends.
Once you understand what activities you need, get it on the calendar. Try to do something daily if you can, but at the very least plan something at least once a month, with bigger plans throughout the year.
For me, this means walking five days a week with my girlfriends, going for weekly coffee dates with them, and scheduling alone time each weekend.
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Give yourself some grace
So, you had the best of intentions and planned to go to the gym, or take a few minutes to meditate or go for a walk — but for whatever reason, the self-care moment you planned didn’t happen. Instead of beating yourself up about it, or convincing yourself it’s never going to work, giving yourself some grace can motivate you to forgive yourself and simply try again tomorrow — no judgments or guilt trip required. In fact, research has found that having given yourself this grace promotes a ripple effect of healthy behaviors including good eating habits, regular exercise, restorative sleep behaviors, and better stress management.
Beyond giving yourself grace when your best intentions fall through, it’s time to give up the guilt of putting ourselves first.
And this might be the hardest step of all, especially for women, and especially for women who have been caregiving for so long. Because the truth
is that we spend so much of our time taking care of everyone else that there’s not usually any time left for ourselves. And so I think that in our minds that we start to believe that if we do make time for ourselves, we’ll be taking away from everyone else, and that will make us selfish.
Self-care is not about being selfish. Far from it. Self-care is about knowing how to fill your own tank so you can be there for the other people in your life. Self-care is the fuel that keeps you going. It’s your personal battery.
Without you’ll stay in that burned out place you’re in right now – the place caregiving brought you.
And that is why we need to stop feeling bad about taking care of ourselves. We need to stop apologizing for it, we need to stop thinking it’s selfish, we need to stop putting it off and we need to stop making excuses for why we can’t do it.
What needs to change right now for you to start making self-care a priority?
Making self-care a priority means making a pretty big mindset shift. It means seeing self-care as a priority and not an afterthought. A quick tip on helping you be successful with creating this shift is to notice how you talk to yourself about making self-care a priority. If you are telling yourself “I am too busy to make time for self-care” or “This is going to be really hard finding time to put myself first”, your thoughts will create your reality and your mindset will hold you back from making the change. To boost your mindset, change your negative self-talk to an empowerment speech. Sounds cliché, but telling yourself “I can do this” or “I got this”, really works.
To help you make that mindset shift follow the five steps I’ve outlined here. Give yourself a big dose of compassion and use the technique I shared to help you learn how to be self-compassionate. Learn to identify what you really need to fill yourself up and get your batteries charged. Take small actions each day. Rome wasn’t built in a day and learning this new skill will take practice. Next, get out your planner and schedule it into your day. By doing this you’ll be setting yourself up for success and be more committed to making it happen. And finally, give yourself some grace when things don’t go as planned and ditch the guilt for putting yourself first.
How would your life change if you were to follow these five rules for self-care every single day?
To recap, here are the 5 tips to help you learn to prioritize yourself and master self-care.
- Start with compassion
- Ask yourself what you really need
- Take small incremental actions
- Make it a regular habit
- Give yourself some grace
Other great self-care & wellness advice:
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